I'm so fucking centered right now
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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