You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
