you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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