i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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