so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
