i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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