she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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