Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
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They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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