I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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