Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
