I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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