I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
