we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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