i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
