the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
