There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
