I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
