my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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