College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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