so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
