Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
