I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
