Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
