Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
