Capitaan dildo arrescate!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
