he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
