I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
