oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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