I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
