So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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