this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
