Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
