I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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