so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
