Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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