I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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