Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
