I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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