Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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