my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
