i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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