you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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