I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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