Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We need to get me chipped asap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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