If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
