dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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