I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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