Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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