im having a threesome with these popsicles
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
