You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
whose parrot is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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