I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Blood and glitter go together right?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
