i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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