So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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