the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
