nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
