Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
