if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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