How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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