non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
