I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
