he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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