Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
